Where do I start?

Dear Duckie,

Where do I even start with this?  I guess with a little explanation.  I doubt you will ever see any of these words.  In many ways, I hope you wont.  The things I intend to write about here aren't meant for your knowledge, at least at this point in time.  You are 10 years old.  You don't need to know about the fights and the custody battles, the frustrations and the sadness.  You don't need to know about the confusion that comes along with trying to be a stepmother or navigating the waters of building a blended family.  You also don't need to know about the small victories, the moments of relief and overwhelming happiness.  You need to be a happy, healthy kid, protected as much as possible for the ugliness you had no part in causing but unfortunately have to live with.  We've tried our best to shield you from as much of what is going on as possible.  But painting an incomplete, or slightly altered picture of what is happening in order to protect you has been proving too much for me. 

There are so many things that happen that I can't tell you.  Or shouldn't tell you.  Or decide not to tell you.  And they sit here inside of me, just bursting to get out.  Lately, they have been building up too high, and I came up with this as my outlet.  Maybe writing these words to you, even knowing in all likelihood you will never see them, will help me process everything that is happening and figure things out.  Maybe it will stop this giant feeling of wanting to pour my heart out every time I look at you to tell you what is really going on and to try to make you see the truth.  And maybe letting other people read my letters to you will help them as well. 

So here are my letters to you, Little Duckie.  If you ever do come across these one day when you are older, please read them with an open mind and the knowledge that I love you with all my heart.  There are going to be some tough things in here, and I'm so sorry for that.  But if you do end up reading these someday, maybe you will be able to look back over the things that have happened, and the things that will happen, and understand them wholly.  And make your own judgements. 

Goodnight and all my love Duckie,

Amanda